The Self-Aware Parent by Cathy Cassani Adams

Podcast by Author

Zen Parenting Radio 

The Self-Aware Parent by Cathy Cassina Adams

“If one is open to it, parenting is like standing in front of a mirror. Rasing children highlight your skills, but it will also point out your vulnerability.

“Parenting is a phenomenal educational experience, and not just tin terms of child-care. If one is open to it, parenting is like standing in front of a mirror. Raising children highlights your skills, but it will also point out your vulnerabilities. things you have learned to hide or beliefs that don’t serve you will rise to the surface.”

What is your experience with personal growth and change during your parenting journey?

Did you have a moment that you felt like you finally were a grown up, or do you feel like our in the storm and just riding the waves of parenting?

“Educational and work experience had taught me that constant productivity equaled self-worth.”

“I was forced to find a new kind of confidence as an induvial and a mother,”

How did you find, or how are you finding your personal value in motherhood?

“Taking personal responsibility for your role in the parenting child relationship can be difficult because it is much easier to focus on your children’s imperfections.

“The child may have obvious behavior problems, but parents must examine their interactions and behavior with the child as well.”

What situation has your child put you in, what were your initial thoughts, what did you have to exam, what was the outcome for you, and also the outcome for your child?

“Children need to feel accepted for who they are not just for what they do or how they look. They need to express themselves and they need you to listen and support them.”

Has there been a time for you that your child emberassed you in an inoccent way, how did it make you feel, what helped you choose your child over your insecurity?

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“Children need time to process, relax, and reflect, and this doesn’t mean time in front of the television. they need time for stillness, imagination, play, and individual time with you.”

Is there an activity that your child loves to do, something they feel calm and focused on? What is it and how does it make you feel when you see your child engaging in said activity?

“As a self-aware parent you will realize that your child has his own reason for being here — and his own life to live.”

“Your children are not an extension of you.”

“Children need to be held and kept safe, but they also need freedom to become who they are meant to be. It is a delicate balance, and it is the definition of unconditional love.”

What ideals did you have about your life with your child that ended up being extremely unrealistic?

or

How did your idea of parenting change before and after the arrival of your child?

“The important thing to remember is that if you take care of yourself, you can better care for your baby.”

“Embrace the new person you are becoming and have confidence that this role will become more clear and comfortable in time.”

“The reality of motherhood may not be exactly what you expected, but it is still the experience of a lifetime.”

What changes have you noticed in yourself as a person, and the way that you handle things now, opposed to the way the same situation may have played out before kids?

“Lesson: As a parent you may need to redefine productivity. parenting well necessitates slowing down, being present, and building a relationship.”

“I was using an old set of rules and standards that did not work in my new situation. I no longer knew who I was or how to validate my importance.”

“Making the choice to slow down with my child is a major shift from my previous life and i might always be a work in progress.”

Have you found your place in the roll of parenthood? Do you know you have value even without the to do list? What values do you offer as a human with the right to simply exist, what makes you, you?

“In toddlerhood children begin to look for words to identify their feelings, especially strong emotions, like fear anger, or sadness, these emotions can be scary for a child, and they need someone they trust to normalize the experience.”

“Lesson: Children need to released and talk about feelings, allow your child to share way they are feeling and help them discover tools to deal with powerful emotions.”

Does your child’s behavior with you generally change or is it different then when they are with other adults?

“I tell her she looks really frustrated, and I listen as she tells me why. together we talk about different tools she can use to calm down and feel better.

“This discussion helps her identify what she is feeling, and it teaches her how to deal with the experience.”

Do you sometimes feel like the sound board for your children’s emotions?

Do they tend to go off more with you then they would around others?

What tools do you use as a parent to check in with your children and what is happening in their worlds at that time?

“When you children decide to share how they feel with you, it is important to validate what they are experiencing.”

“Telling them that they should no be scared or they they are to old to be afraid is not resectful of their inner experience , and it may result in a communication shutdown.”

Has there been a time that your child had an irrational fear that you couldn’t understand, how did you handle it, what encouragement did your child respond to and what was the outcome?

“Demonstrating emotion can be educational, but seeking comfort from your child is not appropriate.”

“The parent is the caregiver in the relationship and children should never feel it is their responsibility to console or take care of you.”

In what ways do you support yourself and your emotions in order to have time and emotional space for your children?

“Instead of talking-to your children about self-love and self-fulfillment, role model what it means.”

“You lose yourself to parenthood when you put everyone’s needs in front of your own.”

“If you are giving away your time, energy, and love on a consistent basis without taking time to refuel, you will naturally become drained.”

Do your children respect your self-care boundaries?

What things would you like to be able to do for yourself that your not able to at this time?

How can you make that happen for you?

“You are demonstrating the importance of having personal interested and an inner life?”

Imagine the life you would like to have with your children, what steps can you take now and, in the future, to reach that image you are thinking of?

“Lesson: Take the time to realize your values and set your expectations so you know what you want to teach your children.”

Have there been ideas or values that you have examined and changed, when applying those beliefs to your child’s situation?

What was the child’s situation?

What was the old belief?

What is the new belief?

What was the outcome for the child?

“Children try to figure out their boundaries and limits at each developmental level.”

What boundaries do you find your child questioning or pushing most often?

Why do you think they are pushing that particular boundary?
…” the teachable moment.”

Mom got down to her daughters level (instead of talking down to her) and asked her if she had any suggestions to solve this problem.”

How are you teaching your child responsibility, ownership, and accountability when problem solving?

What advice would you give other parents?

“After he completed the time out, she talked to him about what he did (you hit), why it was wrong (hitting hurts and we do not allow hitting in this family), and what he could do next time (use your words if you are frustrated, ask for help, walk away). She also prompted her son to apologize to the person he hit because hitting is not a way to solve problems.”

What does disapline look like in your house?

Have you found this method to be effective when teaching your child rules and boundaries?
“, when you say no to children, they often get suited up for battle or at the very least ask a lot of questions that start with “why?””

“We are not going to buy it today, but I understand why you like it. Lets think about some of the toys you have at home. I really love your toy boat.”

How do you handle delivering bad new to your child, such as “no” or if something falls through?

What tools are you teaching your child when it comes to handling disappointment?
“In charge or in control?”

“If you try to control, it will often result in a power struggle.” “Respect your child as a person with an opinion and allow for the freedom of choice.”

“Giving them ownership over these situations can eliminate power struggles, and it also teaches them to use their problem solving skills. As a parent you are still in charge, but you allow your childen to play a role in the process.”

What is your oppinion on the difference between in charge and in control parenting?

“Our family meal has become a time to communicate and practice awareness.”

“Lesson: The family meal is not just about eating, it’s about setting aside time to slow down, communicate, and reconnect with each other.”

What time in your daily life do you have set aside to connect with your children?

“I watched in amazement as Jacey ate salmon as if it was a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and Camryn ate wheat and pasta salad.”

“I am thankful to my husband for suggesting that we eat together on a daily basis, and i am proud of myself for realizing that I do have some skills that help feed my family.”

Is your child a social eater, are they more willing to try new things when in a group opposed to one-on-one offers?

“Lesson: Sometimes you have to have the end in mind when teaching your children. Do you want them to do something simply to please you or do you give them enough space and time to find what pleases them? You have to consider safety and boundaries, but when its simply about readiness and interests, allow your children to take the lead. Instead of focusing on who you want them to be, let them tell you who they are.”

How do you provide space and allow your children to lead in their day to day learning?

“Giving your children space to make their own decisions can be challenging and sometimes uncomfortable.”

What has happened that your child had to go through, and you couldn’t avoid letting them go through it?

How did this experience affect you as a parent, how was your child affected?

“Children feel safe when they feel heard and respected.”

During conversation with your child has there been a time that they seemed wiser then their age?

“Giving them language for their pain (that looked like it hurt, or ouch) rather than telling them they don’t actually feel it.”

How do you handle situations in which you as a parent are overwhelmed by your child?

What have you learned to do in order to leave emotional space for your child?

“Healthy parenting also includes structure, discipline and respect for parental authority.”

How do you handle your children’s brutal honesty when it is not appropriate?

How do you handle back talk from your child?

“There is a difference between following rules and asserting self-expression.”

Has there been a situation your child struggled with rules when expressing themselves?

“Let them know that you hear their frustration. This doesn’t mean that they don’t have to do what you asked but give them the satisfaction of knowing their feeling are heard. saying, “I hear that you don’t want to pick up your toys, but we have to clean up before we do anything sled,” can be so much more effective than a lecture about how you clean the house and pick up their things every day.”

What scripting or structure do you use with your child when teaching responsibility and or emotional regulations?

“When children are young, we tend to push them to do what their peers are doing. Yet as children get older, we hope they trust their own instincts rather than do whatever their peers are doing. Their confusion should be no Suprise.”

Has there been a time as a parent that you wish your child could or would do something other children their age are doing?

How did you work through these feelings as a parent?

“Lesson: Yoga is the great teacher of being present, breathing through tension and uncertainty, and finding space within the discomfort. Yoga us a physical practice, but the same principles can be applied to our emotional experiences.”

What emotional tools are you actively teaching your child and how are you teaching it?

“Jacey was recently allowed to see a movie where the antagonist character had questionable values. She has become intrigued with this character, and she spends time pretending to be him. My first thought (or Fear) is that this is not ok. Why does she want to be this character? Will she emulate his behavior? Fortunately, my professional instincts eventually kick in and I realized that she is exploring a different side of herself.”

“She is discovering different choices and parts of the human experience. this is an important part of her self-discover.”

What interest or hyper fixation has your child had that you found off putting?

What did you do or tell yourself to allow the space they need for their personal exploration?

“Lesson: Issues need to be addressed and challenges need to be delt with but pay just as much attention to what is working. Part of your job as a parent is to notice your children’s skills and potential. If you don’t, who will?”

Do you feel from your experience with your children that one lesson fits them all, or have you found each child response differently to different approaches?

“Parents often set their sights on fixing what is broken rather than witnessing the joy in the present moment.”

What quirks does your child have that you have found to be enduring over time?

“I can tell you are working hard today, or it looks like you are really enjoying this activity, are supportive and loving. These statements also demonstrate that you are intently watching and noting their effort.”

“A parent has the opportunity to be their children’s greatest advocate, and parenting is much more fun when energy is focused on what is working. Support your children through the challenges, help them navigate the difficult days, and make it a priority to point out their potential.”

Do you feel it is important to actively praise your children for doing what is expected of them, or is this an area that you would like to make a conscious effort to accomplish?

“It’s impossible to be in full control of pregnancy and birth. They helped me talk through my fear and they consistently empowered me. I surrounded myself with women who believed I could do this.”

What surprising things to you, positive or negative experience did you have during pregnancy?

(Pregnancy)

“It was like training for a marathon…..”

“I never expected or planned for a perfect birth. I just wanted to be present and participate.”

“Women need to support each other and tell each other about the positive possibilities, not the possible negatives.”

What things did you wish you had know before having your first pregnacy

What things will you do for other new parents that you didn’t know to do before you experience pregnancy and labor yourself?

“Lesson: When it is time for your children to make a big change, ask their opinion, get them involved, and move forward together.”

How do you approch your children with planned changes?

“She used the pacifier to soothe her body and mind, and we didn’t want this to come to abrupt halt.”

“We started to put some boundaries around the pacifier— she was always welcome to use it, but she had to be in her room. Later we decided it was only to be used before nap or bedtime.”

“She began to find different soothing techniques during the day, but at night she still looked forward to the comfort of the Paci.”

“I am so glad she was able to let it go in such a positive way.”

What accomplishment did you and your child have that was big and successful in your opinion and why?

“Lesson: Respect who your children are and see what they have to teach. Appreciate the importance of solitude and quiet - live it and allow for it.”

“I start to go into ”compare” mode, I realize, the person who needs the adjustment is not my daughter, it is me. When I start to feel unsettled because she is doing something she is perfectly content with, I realize it is time to take a breath and step back.:”

Do you find yourself wanting time with your child but perhaps they have other plans?

How do you handle your feelings, what do you tell your child in these situations?

“I signed her up for gymnastics, but after two weeks she decided she didn’t like it. at first I was annoyed, frustrated at her lack of desire to participate, but she was calm when she told me no thank you, not right now.”

“Lesson: Take care of your feelings of frustration before you deal with an important parenting decision. It’s the best first step towards a positive outcome.”

Have you had plans or become excited about an activity and your child ended up hating it, how did that play out?

“Right now, she is having a tantrum. My initial reaction is to recite every though in my head:

“You know we only have time for one book.”

” You must be tired.”

” Why are you so upset?”

“Then frustration Kicks in….”

“I know this tantrum is an emotional release, and it is probably not about the book.”

“She is tired, her tools are gone, and her emotions are on the surface.”

How do you feel when you see your child emotionally break down and what is your thought process for helping them gain emotional control again?

“I am just there. I allow her to get whatever she is feeling out of her system, and I try to remain calm and presence in the room.”

As a child how was crying handled by your parents in relation to little you?

How do you wish to be treated now as an adult when you are hurt or sad?

“Lesson: Children love to plan and experience family events, especially if they take an active role in the preparations.”

“They are just excited for the time when the energy of the house is calm, happy, and fun and all the attention is on them. that is what they look forward to, and that is what they will remember.”

Does your child’s behavior or demeanor change when around familiar groups of people in comparison to when they are one on one with you?

“…happy to watch their experience rather than create it.”

What shifts have you made when planning outings with children oppose to how you use to plan pre children?

“Children learn by watching adults process their emotions, but they need to be reminded that adults can take care of themselves.”

Has there been a time that you hid your emotions from you children why and if you could go back would you do the same thing again?

“Children should not feel responsible for comforting or be put in a position to make adults feel better. This is a burden beyond their maturity level.”

What do you tell your children when asserting the parent child boundaries when it comes to emotions or personal relationships?

“I said nothing— Camryn simply changed her mind. I find myself crying—maybe because I am relieved or maybe I am overwhelmed by the moment.”

Describe that last time your child surprised you with their decision in a positive way?

How did witnessing this make you feel as a parent?

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